Okay Misters 'n' Sisters Los Coyote Men are back! So stick a suture on the future while Helmut Von Schoen takes ya on a blast from the past!

Ever since I was a young boy I've wanted to wrestle. Yeah, ever since I was a teenager I've been wearing a mask.  Lemme tell ya, if it's tough being a boy called Sue, try being a girl called Eric!  Actually, I digress.  That was my sister.  But getting back to the mask, Irma-Lou Weinberger, are you listening?  High School prom 1978 ring a bell?  It should do, sister, that's the night you rang my bell.  Lemme tell you brothers and sisters, grapplin' with 378 pounds of pubescent passion was what set me on the road to wrasslin' stardom.  That and another little incident.

Yes, I can remember it as if it was only yesterday.  Walking down 53rd and 3rd, a head full of nothing and nothing on my head, when I happened across a man, yes ladies and gentlemen, a helluva man indeed, who would change my life forever.  Billing himself as "Randy "the Chittlin Boy" Hornocker, man, I tell ya, he was doin' things with chickens innards I'd only dreamt of.  And all of this inside the most beautiful of gold lame masks.  That was it, Daddy-o.  St. Paul on the road to Damascus.  Helmut "the Bruiser" on the highway to the Maskus.  Yes, with the help of the "Masked Poultry Boy" I would assemble the greatest four man tag team rock 'n roll combo North, South, East and West of the sacred squared circle. Easy!

Well, yes, I've got to say it literally was that easy.  Kismet...Karma...Kall it what you will, but when you're a man with a mission, Lady Luck seems to have a habit of lending a helpful hand, and in the case of myself and Randy "Captain Dynamite" Hornocker the gloves weren't even off before the final pieces of the jigsaw fell into place.

We were busy training one night, at "Moe's 24 Hour Chest-a-rama Tavern" when we distracted from the ninth round (I was well ahead on points) by the dulcet tones of Rosetta Del Fuego and her Mariachi Midgets.  Only thing was, two of them weren't - midgets that is - godammit, who the hell did they think they were?  Yes, you guessed it kids, Manny "No Nose" Gagglianno and the Zebra Kid, the tightest rhythm section West of the picket wire.  Well, I walks straight up to them, looks them both in the eye and ushered those three words...Young, fast, scientific.  They didn't seem to know what the hell I was talking about, but when Captain Dynamite ran out the door with Rosetta's wooden leg I knew we had him hooked.

And that is it, dear readers, a short, honest, unabashed history of the Coyotemen.  Within one week they played their first gig, within one month they released their first record and within one year, tag team champions of the world!!!

"Friends, Romans, countrymen...not the ears!"

Helmut"the Bruiser" Von Schoen